I'm Rick James

In Season 2, Episode 4 of the Chappelle Show, Charlie Murphy (Eddie Murphy's older brother) recalls an instance with Rick James where Rick asks Charlie an all-important question:

There's a new joke going around, have you heard it?
What did the five fingers say to the face?

.........................

SLAP!

As most of you know, Rick slaps Charlie and Charlie goes into this whole sequence about men slapping men being inappropriate and then he goes and handles his business by slapping Rick in a similarly contrived fashion. By now you realize that my obsession with the Chappelle Show carries on into the sports world and perhaps are wondering why I bring up this humorous incident.

Enter Sunday, January 8, 2006, New Jersey Nets at Toronto Raptors. Any matchup between these two teams usually draws an audience because no one in Toronto likes the fact that Vince Carter admitted to not trying as hard or playing to the best of his ability due to his unhappiness in Toronto and elevating his game to its normal levels once he forced a trade to New Jersey. Just ask Red Sox fans about Clemens, Laker fans about Shaq or Orlando fans about T-Mac. This is a cardinal sin in the sports world. (By the way, does anyone see the irony in Shaq's Icy Hot Back Patch commercials when he claims, "I'm just like you...I work hard everyday"??)

So on this Sunday afternoon, the following sequence occurred (photos courtesy of my boy Rick):











It may be obvious what happens based on the pictures, but allow me to narrate. Morris Peterson ("Mo Pete") gets a technical foul for arguing a call with Steve Javie, a notoriously unforgiving referee with a short fuse. About a minute later, Vince Carter ("Vince") comes over to Mo Pete during a dead ball and playfully slaps his ex-teammate and friend. Mo Pete, visibly annoyed from his last technical, slaps Vince back. Steve Javie only catches the second slap, and having just T'ed up Mo Pete for arguing a call, immediately T's him up again and tosses him from the game. Mo Pete is enraged and tosses his jersey into the stands. Vince pleads Mo Pete's case with Javie to no avail. Javie later claims that he didn't see the first slap and was only reacting on the second slap.

There are many interesting points that come out of this incident, but let's just focus on a few. First, according to the box score, two other officials were at the game as well -- Gary Zielinski and Leroy Richardson. Were all three officials not watching the court when this incident happened?? What do they get paid to do anyway? Seriously, if you count the number of fights that occur in games, you will find that the vast majority of them occur after the whistle is blown. Sure, these players are reacting to something that took place while the clock was running, but if the officials just stopped watching the court after the play was dead that would be ridiculous. So why didn't another official see the entire sequence? Second, why does Mo Pete get a technical foul and Vince get nothing?? Officials often call a technical foul and then sort it out, assessing double technicals in cases where the altercation is mutual. Vince is seen here pleading Mo Pete's case to Javie, all but admitting guilt, and still receives no reprimand. Can you imagine telling your boss that it was you, not your colleague, that screwed up some spreadsheet and your boss giving you the "oh well, what's done is done" look even though you're trying to look out for your buddy and take responsibility for what happened? By the way, if you're wondering why the call wasn't reversed (other than for reasons of Steve Javie's temperment and ego) by Javie or another official, or why no one pushed for the call to be reversed, I did a little homework and have an answer for you. The NBA Rulebook, under Rule 2 - Officials and their duties, Section VI - Correcting Errors, Exception (1), states that "acts of unsportsmanlike conduct and all flagrant fouls, and points scored therefrom, shall not be nullified." So unfortunately for Mo Pete, his retaliatory slap fell under the "acts of unsportsmanlike conduct" and his fate was already sealed.

The last thing I want to talk about is how often in life people see, react and pass judgment on the "second" thing they see, rather than the first. It is usually the reaction that causes the stir, not the instigation (read: Ron Artest 73 game suspension, Stephen Jackson 25 game suspension and Jermaine O'Neal 10 game suspension v. Ben Wallace 6 game suspension). This extends out beyond the sports world, to things such as "officer, I was not the only one speeding!"

But this does begin with a Chappelle reference so it would be a tragedy to end on such a serious note. In Sunday's edition of the LA Times, at the end of the UCLA Bruin Men's Basketball injury report, there was the following blurb about Saturday's 61-60 victory over Arizona State.

The Bruins were ecstatic over their 61-60 victory Saturday, but the mood was different in the Sun Devil locker room after the team lost in the final seconds for the second straight game to drop to 0-4 in conference play.

Said Arizona State forward Serge Angounou, "There were some people crying in there."

Potent Potables

"Man, I don't know even what that means.
I've been meaning to ask my dad or look it up or something.
Does anyone have a dictionary?"

Ron Artest, on the word integrity (Nov 2004)

I can't think of a better way to kick off a column than to include an interview gem from the morally and/or grammatically challenged Artest.  I also can't think of anything better to call this column, which will more or less be a 2-3 times a week quick blurb that pokes fun at the world of sports.  Perhaps I am the only one annoyed when no one picks this category in Celebrity Jeopardy.  Maybe they just don't know what it means.  But then again, that doesn't excuse Sean Connery for picking "Months That Start With Feb" and incorrectly answering "Febtober."  In any case, I know I am NOT the only one laughing when Ron Artest gives interviews like this. 

So without further delay, let's check out a few boners in the NBA [by the way, can anyone believe that back in the 50's, people used to say this word in place of "mistakes" or "mishaps" (which is funny in and of itself)?  And they say our society is too corrupt...I see through their innocence].  The first one can be found in the December 17 issue of the Denver Post.

"They had one. That's the bed they made and they have to lie in it. Strange things happen in sports, like the Red Sox getting rid of Babe Ruth."

Kenyon Martin, in response to the Nets' struggles at power forward

Looks like the Nets (13-12) have a better record than the Nuggets (12-14)
Obviously, Martin is overlooking his decline in points and rebounds since coming to Denver
Somebody should tell Martin he's the 4th best player on his own team (Camby, Melo, Miller)
Earl Boykins (12.0 ppg) nearly outscores Martin (12.3 ppg)
Remember that time we saw Kenyon Martin and thought he was Babe Ruth??

  =

Speaking of Babe Ruth, let's check out another individual who came out of obscurity this week to announce his son's Ruthian status.

"Mark it down: It's going to be another Babe Ruth
They sent Johnny off like they sent off Babe Ruth.
It's going to be another big, big mistake.
They made the biggest mistake of their lives.

Jimmy Damon, father of former Red Sox CF Johnny Damon

Man, where to start with this one...First I think it's both unfair and ridiculous that parents of professional athletes can get the time of day. They did nothing to get their publicity (I don't buy the whole, I raised him, I am indirectly responsible for his success). They only offer horribly biased opinions. Seriously, Jimmy Damon, your son isn't in little league anymore. The "I think my son is the best player in the world" view is not applicable to adults. Second, who is they anyway? Jimmy, do you know who they are? I'm still trying to figure out who's running the Red Sox. Maybe you have more insight, but if you want to claim that this figurative ghost of Theo Epstein told your son to talk to the hand then you might as well blame it on the rain (and lip-sync while you're at it). My point is, if you call the Red Sox office and ask to speak with the general manager, you will either hear the voice of ten or twelve men and women simultaneously say hello or you will be transferred to the Room of Requirement. (sorry, Harry Potter reference) Lastly, the Red Sox are already doomed by Mark Bellhorn, Alan Embree and Mike Myers. Duh, Jimmy. These are the defections that will really curse us.